Log in

Jack is a trippeh manboy

Okie, still writing the 6th chapter after a whole month of pouring through names. It feels kind of natural to me now, to say that i want to be a writer. Only now, beyond reciting it, i'm going to have to live it. To walk through it and refine my craft until one day i will die a happy girl cause i did all i can for my characters, my story, my country and me.

Right. But that's quite a long road away. So let's focus on today.

I've decided to keep Fuji's name. Not the full name because i decided that will be copyrighted somewhere (although just to be fair, it *is* possible to be another boy out there with his name) but anyways, my main character's name is Fuji of Halcyon. Really trippy eh? So completely pretentious and larger than life but to be fair, i am writing on a setting that is "Fantasy" rather than an ultra-sleek dystopian novel or something. So, technically, Jack or John just won't cut it (hmm... on the other hand, Jack sounds quite cool). You can't be 'of' a knighthood if your last name is like... Willis or something. Fuji of Willis... Okay fine! I can't knock anyone's name cause that is mighty unfair for those who lived in the past. Forgive me for trying to inject pizzaz in my peoples.

He will be a part of four bros; Hiram, Ahmed and Filo. I feel the names tend to lean towards an asian feel but... i did try to bring a Caucasian name in with the sister Callan but she will not be playing a major role in the story, so... i worry that a problem might exist there. Mainly because i do not wish the novel to consist entirely of pseudo-asiatic people which is NOT the point of the story. Maybe i should just tell the freaking story even if i have to call them Fish, Bird and Bull. How... non-conforming. I suppose i tend to be hyperaware of my characters which, i suppose if they are my friends and i am meant to bring them to life, i should hardly care what their names are. I should just name them Fish, Bird and Bull because it DOESN'T MATTER!!

But, i've already decided on Fuji of Halcyon. As a homage to the character that inspired me to write this. And at this point, I DON'T CARE that the charas names are outrageous. I'm leaving as is. Cause i'm too tired to think of names =P

Okay, that aside, i've obviously not been focusing that much attention on Callan who, apparently with the flow of words have been chosen to grow. So... Callan, please tell me your story. I will try not to describe you too physically. Thanks.

Okie, i'm gonna jet now. At least i'm working on... something. Hope to update soon!!

Alright, i think i'm altering this journal from being my academic journal of which i rant my confusion, i will now use this to document my writing process as i, for the five hundred bazillionth time attempt to produce a fictional story that retains my interest and hopefully the interest of those that surround me.

On the other hand, me talking (to me nonetheless) is enough to throw myself off so i really ain't got not much hopes =P

So right... work life aside, personal life aside... let's talk about my new persona: the writer. Am gonna be quite a bimbo about things, cause well, the inner pink/any colour needs to shine.

Been working on For Blood or For Loyalty for sometime now (in case most of you are unsure what that is, it's a really cracky fictional story about four brothers who are tied at different ends of the world by different commitments. By you'll find that they're very similar though to one another. Each one of them has got a hero complex. Ah, now you see where the story is going. Really, i swear it's our ego that tends to bash us in.

Or are they just there to survive?

Mishap #1
I realize now that maybe i should have turned one of the boys into a monk or something. It brings religion into the play. A battle of ideologies... ah, what better conflict is there than one that demands your spirit and another that demands your blood. But, i don't know if i'm ready to tackle religion yet. Another story of mine, "His Story" is on hiatus because i am definitely standing on shaky ground where religion is concerned. I do not want to rock that boat just yet. I'll just leave it there to... float. Right.

Progress Report #1
I am unfortunately now looking for names. Because, of course what i shall now admit ti the world, is the fact that i was writing the story as fanfiction. In other words, the people in my dearest For Blood or For Loyalty are based on characters that already exist. Haih, i had such amazing dreams of grandeur for my people to battle against each other like toy soldiers and massacre one another on the battlefield. Unfortunately, me turning the people into *my* people... well, i will have to love them as i write their stories. Love their laughter, love their sadness yet know as i place them through each obstacle, it is meant to be for their own developments. Their own Good. I think after Terey, i'm kinda afraid to get attached again. Oh gosh, i've got such a God complex.

But anyways, i need to decide on names but i want to pick names that sound right to me... (Oh gosh, i can hear Ah Bune yelling at the back of my head to just pick anything, it doesn't matter because you can always CHANGE! it later). Yes... she would have capitalized those letters too, i'm sure.

I need names that are not to ostentatious because God knows, i do not want my people to scream hero!

Anyways, i shall keep the lj up with progress, because i tend to work on this quite regularly now.

A little on Liberation


Long time i haven't updated this adopted baby ain't it? Well, not to say that my academic life is all roses and butterflies but... i guess splotches of tears can't be read through the internet =P that and it's EMBARASSING!!

Err... Yeah.

So, that's why the silent treatment all this while XD Huhu...

Okie, today, i'm waxing philosophy (again). Cause you know i like to.

Anyways, ->thoughts still in fragments<- i told ah bune yesterday about my whole theory questioning the existence of freedom and whatnots. Even going so far as labelling the notion of liberty to be a Western Ideology (okay, this can get quite political. I'm *trying* to mean no harm to everyone but... i'm not sure how this will cut out) and therefore set it against *other* ideologies. Because i often question the existence of Human Rights and our sheer belief that it exists.

Okay, i admit that believing in Human Rights make me feel good. It means that i'm important. That i have a say in things and when i choose, the decision is my own. It also means that if someone messes with me, *someone* else's got my back. Because if you or anyone mess with your rights as a human, there's an unwritten law that's broken (or a real one, depends on what kind of reality you live in). That means you're protected.

So this is why we should have human rights, right? So that each of us will have this individual protection that covers every inch of our skin. But it isn't an umbrella or anything. We have to understand that it reaches no further than our feet.

Anyways, moving on to the second notion that comes with our Rights: Liberty. Okay, by this, i'm not thinking about slavery or those kind of stuff because with situations like those, this argument is null and void. You know what you're suppose to do when you reach one extreme end of the cliff so, don't frame this argument with those issues in mind.

Rather, i want to complicate situations (and my life apparently) by talking about liberty in our average middle-class consumer-ist life. I think the understanding of Human Rights can be awfully misleading.By saying that each of us have the right to be free, stating that freedom is an existence without boundaries is... well, for me, the understanding is slightly tilted. Then again, what was i saying about extremes?

That is in the case of extreme pessimism and one thing i definitely learned in this course, is that humans tend to look at things negatively. Guess that pinch of salt should be left alone, huh?

By infringing on Human Rights, a.k.a Liberty, we're containing people for control ----> view of Capitalism.

But this is because we think that the people are never doing it to cover our backs. I mean, we're always doubting rules and such because we are convinced they work against us. And where does this notion come from? Simple, it stemmed from the question, statement and propaganda of Human Rights.

Yeah, reading that, it sounds a little harsh.

But, my statement is this, the notion of Human Rights is nothing more than an ideology in this case and we have people dying at almost every corner of the world either dying defending it or dying against it.

Something that Human Rights did, though this is somewhat remote, is the disrespect for Culture. Okay, i'm not saying that all the people who believe in Human Rights spit on books or stuff like that. Remember, don't think of this in extremes. Damn, if you spit on books then i'm definitely sure Human Rights ain't your thing.

Okay, but what it does is manouver itself to be a dominant thought because well, everyone wants to be free. Everyone wants to live in happiness of happy joy joy land. So to achieve this level, one must be extremely complacent in life thus the material settings determine the life of man (Marxism galore~). The only way to achieve the ideal material setting is by being completely unbinded by chains. Because no matter how you look at it, chains will *always always* tie you down.

And this is a bad thing, right?

So people become critical of different cultures and approaching this globalization era thingie where borders are torn open, they forget that not all cultures are the same. But rather than sitting and trying to understand, the common man become concerned for his or her brothers who are suffering in one way or another because they are not like us. And because of this, there exist a class division (damn Marx and his thoughts) where, even though we all exist as middle class consumers, you can't exactly fool respect. If you don't respect them, then it's almost the same as treating them as second class citizens.

I know it's stupid to take such a positive ideology and turning it into this monster that if you try real hard, can see has nothing to do with the original thoughts of being able to speak your mind and praticing whatever.

I remember having countless arguments with Sharm because, she's alright with PDA (Public Display of Affection) while i get a little squeamish when i see people do it. Her theory was simple, "What they do is their business and what you do is yours. Don't be so mengada to take what they do to heart."

And i've always had a problem with this thought because, well, firstly was the impact and the impression such acts would leave on other people --> i realize one thing with this argument was the fact that i *had* taken offence from what they had done, so my judgment was highly impaired by this imperfection in my thoughts.

But, following down that line along with the pessimistic notions, well, i feel the act to be sour for the eyes to see. Mostly, the bulk of the argument is the influence and example it will set for the younger generation because, as we talked in class, children are technically passive audience. The thing is, by displaying something like that for them to see, it frames their understanding of the world then you have a future generation that aren't too shy about expressing themselves.

See, there's a good and a bad side to that but what's important, is that you have to remember the type of nation that you're striving for. That little Utopia which really, you believe is the best for *you*.

Okay, problem? Yeah, plenty. First would be that not everyone can be King. Your Utpoia is probably some other kid's hell-hole so... yea, maybe the whole idea is dumb. Second is that if you chose an alternate path and the world, as one, live a different life then yours, hell, it'll be hard for you to conform. So then, things just becomes hard to maintain and your people will be between this limbo of seeing the possibility of liverty in their reach and an older path paved with security.

Maybe we're not suppose to question Human Rights because there are tens and thousands of people who are happy at the moment because they're living a life of liberty to the max. But, it also propels a single idea into the minds of the nations, which, eventually leads to exploitative powers.

However, this is a very 21st Century problem. People in the past aren't too concerned about centre

It's not suppose to be this difficult in thinking about Human Rights but... the issue is probably bigger than we think. Or maybe it's just big to me.

Cause usually this whole concept of liberty chaffs a little on my skin cause it seems to be an excuse for people to react according to their passions. To counter this point, i would say that i can appreciate the colours of passion only... ungoverned passion worries me. I suppose this is based on an ideology that stresses on the suppression of emotions. I'm extremely influenced by this therefore that explains why i see flying passion to be tagged with the sign 'DANGER' .

I guess after seeing so many people saying that freedom is the way to go, i feel skeptical.

But then again, i'm heavily influenced by governance as a way of life, so for me to knock another ideology might be a little too much. Don't you think?

Requiem for a Dream

Yo'. I'm watching Requiem for a Dream now. A movie recommended by Sharm. And i have to tell yea, it's one SCARY movie.

Yeah, i'm squeamish by nature and love my sunshine. My head just keeps on going "Oh my gawd" most of the time because of the sheer detail given to the story. Sheer detail yet funny, in the beginning i was thinking the whole story seemed rather aloof. 

I guess because i was so used to the standard hollywood structure of beginning, middle, ending or rather the intro, the build-up, climax then you have the nice happy ending that i was completely overthrown at first. Really, my first few thoughts were, "Oh great, it's like Napoleon Dynamite again," cause it defies all basic structure... But after awhile, i got the hang of it. 

It's beautiful that the director grabs 'sensation' of the characters rather than just being pointedly morbid/obscene/gory and such. For instance when the mother was hungry, you don't get much of the 'grr, grr' sound from the stomach. Instead this aspect was conveyed by the thoughts of the mother who keep hallucinating the existence of some cheese danish thingie at every corner. Then, after she was addicted to drugs, were the odd imagery of the refrigerator seemingly coming alive because it was a haunting thought for her to eat, then there was the television. 

The director wasn't aiming for a thriller, i think but, yeah... i think i was still a little anxious for the next scene to come on yet somehwat resented it. 

I realize i'm suppose to be talking about the narrative which goes for the relationship between plot and story. I can sense a theme... Mainly how these people who can easily be you and me have dreams and... somewhere along the way they innocently lose themselves from them... I can't say in them... Whether it was to be on television, to own a shop, to make your mother proud or simply, just to be happy, they sorta lost sight of it after awhile. Except for the mother... i think she lost 'in'.

I think there was a scene where the son confronted the mother for taking drugs to lose weight and the mother replied it was because she wanted to be on television. She wanted to be on television. It was her dream. 

She never really said that but it was heart-wrenching to watch because really you can hear the dirge being sung and there was this simple moment of despair in the light of hope because... the story wasn't over yet so you're a little unsure to predict her failure. But... you *know* that that wasn't going to happen. And to see her smile in vain... well, it touched my heart to say the least. There wasn't a tear-jerking moment because... well, it isn't that *kind* of movie. XD 

While watching it, i wanna say 'It's he drug's fault!!!!!' with the plenty exclamation marks but, we know it isn't true. There was this scene after the mother had gone mad with delusions due to drug abuse that she started rambling what seemed like nonsense in the subway and everyone there just felt revolted. Thing was, i realize that i'd act exactly as how they would if i never knew her story. Even if i did, i'm not sure what i'd do. Because she was unstable, it caused fear and that fear caused her to be isolated or struck upon. 

I realize how silly it seems sometimes to try and protect those around you. While watching this kind of movie and seeing everyone dig these graves for themselves, i always thought 'y'know, maybe if they had someone to talk to' but... i realize in real life, i really don't do that. I mean, i can't see the scrapes my friends get into because, 1.) They're not televised so really you don't know what goes on in their lives 24/7, 2.) I'm not the first person they'd call if there *ever* is a problem and this is because to 3.) i'm too blind to see what's wrong and most of the time, even if i do know, there's this something inside of me that just goes 'it's not my business'. 

I guess in relation to movies and tv and stuff, i'd be like, 'wouldn't it be cool if a stranger comes and comfort the main character' but it's either my thoughts are piloted by two different people at different times or, well, i'm just a coward in real life. I don't have what it takes to get my hand dirty. 

I would love to pride myself in being compassionate but, somehow the deeper i go into the mind's of humanity, the older i grow, the lesser i can care for mankind's banes. I really 




I'd feel concern, i'd feel worried... but somehow to push myself into proactive action is like telling my cat to drink water upside down. I just ignore it. 

I don't know... i thought going into this course, i'd feel more compassion towards humanity. Y'know love 'em for all their chips and kinks but, somehow i just find myself ridiculing them. No, it doesn't seep into racism though i'm much more aware of that, thank you very much. But i can pick out their nasty parts and just bitch about them.


I guess people change. 

And i have digressed, oh so wonderfully. 

I wa sabout to attempt my whole essay here but... i thought maybe not... i'll try it when i'm suppose to. Rather, i just wanted to vocalize my confusion as well as admiration for the movie. I think my mind is whirling again and the shock effects are wearing off. Don't think i'll touch on this subject again but... hey, you'd never know!
Hey... Um... Yea, i know it's been awhile since i graced these fine pages with beautiful ink of imprinted black. But... i guess today i have something to say. 

It's something that perhaps to some, seems unreasonable or just darn stupid. Paranoia? 

I might be crossposting this to other blogs as well, because, i guess it's part propaganda, part opinion and another part extremely educational for those who stay here. Well, it did educate me to a certain extent anyways.  

Edit: Err, it's placed under a cut because... well, i don't exactly want anyone just reading it out of the blue. I would love to say that i don't care about what people think and if you label me a racist and such, it ain't no dent in my armor but, i don't want anyone spinning lies and tall tales. 

Read at your own risk because, it's heavier than what i usually do. There are names this time.

Problem in Wonderland?

I don't understand the advantage of ranting this out over here, but... well, just to be a little on the saner side, let's make this productive shall we?

The topic that i have chosen to preach about at this moment is... lo and behold, PREACHING!! Whoa! Who saw that one coming? XD Haha.... I know my mum told me not to get tangled in deep shit or anything like that and keep your subjects safe. Know the reason you're writing. I think the last one's more important than the first.

I didn't exactly understand how difficult it is for people to listen to me until today. Or at least listen to me trying to get their feedback... on the other hand, they might be busy with other stuff and have other things on their minds but still.... i'm feeling like it isn't worth chasing because there are people afraid of it...

What i want to talk about is how political correctness can border on preaching and how it affects the people. How they take it, why it's done/ Hmm... then that means i'm talking about political correctness huh? Such an overtalked about subject... something that might intrigue you if written well...

I don't know if i can do this well. I mean the assignment before, i flopped. Like big time. Okay, remember when i said i liked it? Yeah... the teacher thought it was okay. And i'm seriously trying to learn from my mistakes

I think i've got it outlined, pretty much. I *know* what i want to tackle, the fact that we reprimand without reason or without sowing understanding. Yeah, the piece itself is preachy, so...huhu a little of irony there. Hmm... maybe if i tackle it with sarcasm? 

But the people that i want to talk to... let's see, there's the general public... i was thinking of running a survey online... A few interviews face-to-face to get the story of people, a focus group -if i can manage it- of neutral parties, a psychologist for some scientific explanation. Yeah... that would be it i think... Hmm.... sounds quite easy isn't it?

I think i need to keep on telling myself that i'm not doing this for bad reasons. I need to feel like i'm not prying.... Or hurting anyone with my words... I really don't think it will cause i want people to understand.

Only there are those who react weirdly to honesty.

I wonder why... 
"Racism is like looking at a cake. If you look at the icing, it'll seem too sweet. Check out the strawberry and everything's red. The candle? You burn! Look at one thing and you miss the other! Now, why can't we just enjoy the cake?"

I'm doing on INT again... darn it, this has got me thinking... Ha! Ha! But that's why i enrolled in this course in the first place. To educate my thoughts and bring me a step higher. I don't think i understand most of what i'm learning. Contrary to having said that i'm mentally thirteen, i don't think i'm now older than eight. I still don't understand why people fight. I don't know why we do things that we don't....

I have a lot of baggage dump, mostly concerning me character-wise but... i'm going to finish this article first. Then i'll get back to the stuff. 

This isn't emotional roller-coaster so it doesn't require serious thought just... a little disturbing. 




On the other hand, i think i'll dump my baggage first.

Ha! Ha!

I wanted to write a story once about a woman, or a girl who has a friend or a lover in a coma. A lover i think i decided, not that i wanted to kill my future loves or anything but someone personal for her to believe that he will come back. Others would tell her that it is impossible, that he had slumbered for so many years. Why not find another man? Why not move on? How do you describe false hope?

I don't know how people would react. According to Korean soaps, there are those who move on and such but what if you don't? What if in your heart, you find this so-called *love* entity that makes things worth it?

The story was suppose to talk about holding onto a dream that might not come true. To be so human and believe in things which are not plausile. There are those who will say that it cannot be done. Or it's not true. And... well, i don't know whether i want to be a fool or something but, sometimes i believe it can. Sometimes, when you want something so much....

But i don't think i'll have him awaken in the end anyways. Or i will. Haven't really given that much thought about it.

I wonder why we condemn idealism. I wonder why against rationality it turns out to be a bad guy. I'd speak to skeptics whom i would say, 'i think everyone's nice' and they'd just give me the weird look. Apparently i've reached mucho weirdo status. I understand the faith humanity has in reason. It's steady. It provides solid footing. Heck, at least you're not on a boat without a weather forecast at hand and a compass on the table. You can get lost.

But, i think by looking at the world this way, it makes things look prettier. It makes the world a *liveable* place to be. I might be crazy. Heck, that's what you get for believing in flying donkeys. But maybe that's who i am...

The second thing that i'm thinking about is more closer to earth. I was thinking about racial segregation. I don't think i'll ever understand the deal with this one. Maybe it's because i'm fortunate enough to be backed by a school that doesn't pride itself on anything of such. Rather, yesterday i was chilling out with my mates at a non-halal store while fasting. I don't understand why we'd be miffed if they bring us there cause 1.) i was fasting 2.) i came later and 3.) even if i was eating, i'd just not buy anything. If they're nice peeps, they'd get the jiff and eat somewhere else (considering i was fasting, and came later, i didn't pitch my two cents in XD). But chibi mentioned that some might have found it offensive. Okay, i scarf beef down before my Buddhist friends and honestly, i feel more embarrassed than them with the issue. They'd do the same thing i do which is go 'it's alright, it's alright' to our puppy dog stares.

I'm wondering where this offence is coming from and how far can we take it? Would you hurt the other just for saying that he's eating pork?

I understand that you need to be firm say if someone's trying to *feed* you pork but, otherwise?

And then there's segregation within segregation.

This was where i got the cake analogy. First you got the pieces, then you want to seperate it again? I like my cake to *have* the chocolate wafer and the vanilla icing. And the thousand thingies and the roses stuff. I like it to be decorated, elaborate. I like it to have many things on. So why take the rose out and with what's left you strip it off the chocolate wafer? Then icing decides to fight with the sponge so, everything falls apart again. What do you get in the end anyway?

I have a pet theory. I think most of the people in this world are more ignorant than we think. Probably by choice, which was what i was and still am. I still choose to not read the newspaper (paranoia) and distruss almost every web article i meet. I question their stance, their beliefs. Unless these are rationalized, i don't try to read too much of it. 

I worry that some people might be basing their rationality on rocky ground. Let's say you do trust the newspapers. You read it, with no critical distance. No way of criticizing it and questioning it. No reaction aside from the "Damn __________!" 

Cursing. Juat after reading several paragraphs. Never have i read a writer talented enough to encapsulate an event with a few words. Even an army of it might not dissolve an event. It takes understanding, and plenty of reading between the lines. Reading the words that are not stated there and what he wishes to say instead of there. If you can find these then it completes the piece and the writer's perspective but still not the event itself.

Only experience can teach you and the writer who teaches you experience has taught you much. I think that's why i like Orson Scott Card. He would make statements and stay stuff that happens but, you can feel the characters growing, breathe the same air that they do. It teaches you life and the meaning of it, and i think that's worth it. 

But, true to rationalism, nothing can teach you better than you. I learnt a lot from my mom and among them, is that you have to raise yourself. She can only do so much. Yes she can provide the shelter but, in the end, if you want to learn, only you can allow yourself that. 

Of course this method has a lot of downsides.... I'll get back to that one later. But not here.... hehe...

I just realise that i'm using this place to vent out a lot on race and religion.

Maybe the world has so much stress over it that reading it causes my blood pressure to rise too. And i become affected by it because as much as i want to say that the world is a happy place and we're all happy, it's not. There're people suffering out there and dying is not the worst there is. Retrogression of the mind helps no one. Trauma, living a world where you believe everything is righteously dark is... for me a little odd. 

And i wish, if they want us to that is, to do something about it.

To help people, if i can.


I totally shitted in my pants with this one. 

Wanting to be special, wanting to be unique. My arse, you bitch!! Okay, that was for me humans. Not for any of yer genius selves. Like i said, i screwed up big time. 

Alright, for JRN (Journalism) assignment 2, we were suppose to write a feature. A new feature. A really good one. The bloody essay is 45% of your total score. And what did i do with it? Hell, i brought it to Kansas and ran all the way home. Wait, did i tell you i stopped at Burma, China, and the States then came back here? Boy, how many countries i trampled over just for this one. 

Yeps. Life is peachy.


I just finished digging my grave. After this, i'll be starring at the ceiling, wondering  why i quit IT (not that i wanted to be there in the first place, mind you). I was getting the good marks (I was in the Dean's list for crying out loud!!) and then, ooooh, here comes the good part, i thought i'd have to be true to myself and hiked all the way from Malacca to here! Fine! Don't look at it distance wise. I went through all sort of garbage rubbish shit dumps, battling with the parentals, went back and forth, battled some more with the parentals, bawled my eyes like 100X in a day, then i go back home and i fought some more with my mum!! 

Active lifestyle! Really keeps the blood going. Trust me.

Just a little trip on my assignment, it's in the link. It's about fanfiction.

Okay, i gave it to June and... well.... she was doing the nice friend thing where she didn't want to say anything bad about it. Yeah. It was THAT bad. She's my good friend beyond good friends and even SHE hesitated to say anything.

Then i gave it to my sis. Yeah, she wanted to be nice and a total bitch at the same time so, she settled for somewhere in between. She gave me a 4.5 out of 10. 


So, with my head that's all butterflies and daisies, it goes 'Oooooh, 4.5? 5 is like the average soooo..... it's a *little* below the average. That's not bad..."


Stupid happy preppy brain cells!! Why are you so darn SATISFIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait. Those were suppose to be question marks. . . . .


Idiot self! Idiot self!

I should clear this up. I could have changed it. Really, i can be a fast writer when i want to.

But i didn't.


Cause i was HAPPY with it. You see the problem now?

It isn't the fact that i wrote it. Or the fact that it's bad.

It's the fact that i *like* it and it's bad. Heard of bad taste anyone?

No one is going to hire a girl with bad taste. That's like getting the salesgirl who always recommends some ugly pink polka-dotted stripe hybrid to work in your store. Your shop will NEVER sell.

Oh great, here comes Mr. Blue Butterfly. Yeah. He says that it would be interesting and there are chances of people coming just to see this freak cast-off that you found. Right,

Why do i always have weird things in my head?


I suck!

That's it. Point blank.


Okay, i'm not entirely sure why i'm doing this. I'm hungry. Self-preservation comes first right? Not doting on your Lj thing.... @_@ 

Haha... anyways, i've always inserted entries into my phone. Sort of like small excerpt or a reflection of what I was reading, thinking, doing. This is usually done in class. Goodness knows my notebook is actually full of the dawdlings of my mind rather than what the lecturer is saying. Yeah, not exactly a good thing i know. 

An update on my score: I got an A (HD), a B (D) and a C (C). Yeah. Colourful ain't it? Sorta reminds me of my SPM when i got 3/4 of the beautiful nine coloured rainbow. The only thing i didn't do, was fail. So that was an A, B, C, and a D. Yeah. If i keep this up, my CV or whatever, no matter wherever i'm applying to, should be extremely colourful. Like EXTREMELY colourful.

Oh, in reference to the HD, D and C ting, apparently the grading system in monash is different. They refer to the marks as HD or better known as High Distinction (That being the top 80-100%), Distinction (70-79%), Credit (60-69%), Pass (50-59%) and anything even lower than that, i did NOT pay attention to cause i'm hoping that i don't even have to memorize their names.

I should explain todays entry which, in my phone is marked well, yesterday. I have a few in them and... well, not to bore you or anything, most of them are regarding my religion and freedom of speech in general. Honestly, it isn't a subject that i feel comfortable talking about especially with any random person. I'm an open person with acceptance. Hey, i know a lot of freaks in my life (myself being the longest) and people are cool. When you get to know them, they really are. But... okay, imagine this scenario.

I'm a little sensitive about my religion. And you ask me a question. Alright, honestly you don't mean anything by it. I do keep that in mind. In this story, there is no protagonist and antagonist. It's just human emotions. But imagine every single thing you say will be taken with a grain of salt. How would i know that you're not slandering my religion? How would i know that you don't mean any harm? How would i know that you're just curious?

I'm not going about saying that you shouldn't ask. This is where the paradox comes in because i really believe you SHOULD! I'm pro-Inter-faith talks only, i'm not sure if i want to be on the hot seat. 

Anyway, back to the scenario above, i'd be a little miffed about what you're saying and well, the best conclusion anyone can come up with, is by saying that i'm not very cooperative. That any hopes for peace is dashed because i would not open myself up. Or, if i'm really as sensitive as i said, then i'd place a rant somewhere (preferred mode is of course the newspaper) and start bashing the 'opposition' for questioning my faith. It is a simple conclusion. A very simple conclusion. Thus, those on this side of the fence would be like 'Oi, you stupid Opposition! Mind your own business' and what nots and the other would be like 'Extremist con artists! If you hate us come out and say it!' No. Really, if they really said what was in their hearts, that's bound to be what it looks like.

Sometimes. I don't understand why we question if you know that that's what's going to happen. I mean yea, it makes good publicity and media wildfire but.... *sigh* The good thing is, at least we're not chasing one another with pitchforks or bristling whenever we hear the questions. I believe we have evolved though the extent of the evolution is still questionnable.

Okay, just telling yea, I'm the kind of girl who doesn't exactly follow the rules. Bottomline, i love my God. But my art of worshipping Him is still very unpolished. There are holes here and there it looks like that cheese thing. (Ratatouille!!!!!!!!)

I'm the kid who at the age of eight, people were asking me whether the content of my al-Quran is legitimate or not cause people say there are those who forge it and change its meaning.

I'm the girl who at the age of thirteen my friend walked up to me and just casually asked  'Why are you a Muslim?'

I know for those who are devoted to faith, this is no big deal. I believe there are some children who have a better grasp of my religion then me, but... well, i'm me, aren't i? I can't make academic evaluations and i'm no master in anything. But, i'm (even if i do say so myself) am one of the more open-minded people.

Yes, i practice double standards. Yes, there are some stereotypes that have seeped into my conscious and yes, i can be unfair.

I wasn't pissed when they said that especially the latter. I was thirteen, still trying to figure out how to get my A's and how to deal with my siblings. I wasn't conscious of my faith. I can say that when she asked me that, i was taken by surprise. But, it also made me realise how people percieve of me. And it also made me realise why i'm here.

Oh no, look at how wayward the whole discussion went. The whole point is, sometimes you need to place yourself in someone else's shoes. When you ask me a question, understand that i'm trying to answer you honestly but, i wish to protect myself as well. I don't want my words to be taken as the gospel truth. I want my words to inspire and to ask you to question.

Anyways, the really long entry is something that's always in my mind. Here's the phone entry by the way, beneath the cut.